How Not to Kill Yourself, or What Is a Tautology?

Well the thought had been building for years-----if you were like me it would have with you too because well, you would be pathetic like me--I think that's a tautology but I can't be sure because I’ve never, never been able to understand what the fuck a tautology is but I hate them because that's what a pathetic person can do, we can hate what we don't understand. We're not limited to hating what we understand or think we understand-take boundaries for instance --and I would develop and expand that analogy except I don't have boundaries and so don't have any understanding of them but I can hate them anyway, again, because of the special qualities the pathetic posses.

You see people - I mean everyone in the village-are always raising the bar--that is their bar, and their bar is always higher because it is their bar and their bar is the 'saint' bar and any other is the 'sinner's bar. Anyway they'll raise that bar as high as heaven just to watch you fail at reaching it so they can then correct and punish you and what is more pathetic than failing to reach their bar is us pathetic people trying to in the first place as though their bar was the sole possessor of magic and, honestly, who does not want to be seduced and swept away from the famine of reality, from this long field trip on the mysterious bus of life to a place called death, the front where all is quiet, the front that is always in front of you, the journey with a destination that cannot be known on a bus with no brakes, that cannot be slowed or stopped—and to top it off the journey is overflowing with absolutely unavoidable mistakes. Bypassing the initial mistake of living there are the mistakes intention, of ambivalence and certainty, the mistakes of indifference, the mistakes of action and inaction-- idleness and industry, of caution and impulsiveness, the mistake of passion, of feelings, love and desire, anger and joy, the mistakes of speaking and of the mistakes of silence, the mistake of appropriateness and in-appropriateness, the mistake of marriage and the mistake of celibacy, the mistake of forget-fullness and remembering, the mistake of staying and of leaving, the mistakes of vocation, the mistake of allegiance and loyalty, the mistake of honesty and the mistake of lying.. So all in all suicide can become a pretty attractive roadside rest area, a permanent pit stop of peace on the long, unbearable, but frustratingly not entirely unsatisfying journey. So it can become very challenging to find valid reason not to not to kill yourself and it is a fortunate irony that I was sharp enough to listen closely to the voice that told me to kill myself because that was what saved me. After all who would follow the advice from someone so pathetic. Only a real loser.

PS—just an extra anti-suicide tip for those of you who are not pathetic. Just decide not to kill yourself until you find a good enough reason not to and because you won’t find one you won’t be able to give yourself permission. Good luck and have a pleasant tomorrow.