A Beginner's Guide to Shoplifting

Hello and welcome to the exciting world of shoplifting.

First I want to congratulate you on your entrepreneurial attitude and adventuresome spirit which is so necessary in today’s fast paced and ruthlessly competitive world. With the continually rising stock market, unbalanced budget, and falling standard of living it’s more important than ever to have alternative potentials available in your survival portfolio. One iron in the fire is just not enough anymore.

Whether you’re looking toward shoplifting as a vocation or just a hobby you will find the rewards equally satisfying. It’s hard to think of another activity or avenue of interest where the returns so outweigh the investment unless you’re lucky enough to win a lottery but when you learn the proper technique to safe, secure shoplifting the odds are all in your favor.

In fact the first myth I want to dispel is that shoplifting is dangerous. It’s really as safe as driving a car. You just have to remember a few simple rules of the road; watch for shop keepers when shoplifting and never DRINK AND SHOPLIFT! There is no point in asking for trouble.

The biggest mistake beginners make is attitude. I feel I need to emphasize this point because you can’t expect to be successful in life with a bad attitude and since this activity is loaded with negative social imaging you will probably have some of the same bias in your own thinking which can contribute to developing a bad attitude.

It is unfair that you should have to start out with such a handicap, especially since we all want to start a new venture with our best foot forward but it is important to remember that other great Americans also had to overcome handicaps before they achieved success, like Richard Nixon and Larry Flint and Madonna and you can too.

Now let’s talk about right and wrong. There is a right and wrong way to do everything. If you do it the right way you will make it easier for everyone involved whereas if you do it the wrong way and get caught, you will create unnecessary trouble for everyone, especially those who catch you since they are just drawn into a conflict which they are unconsciously programmed to respond as a dog is to guard the home he happens to be in.

As you begin to develop an increasing appreciation of the hazards and dangers in this new addition to your life skills you will see why it is important that you approach it seriously and maintain the high level of efficiency and skill that is present in all who take pride in their work.

Now let’s talk about dignity. In all relations dignity is made possible by a sympathetic understanding of another. This is complicated in shoplifting due to most people’s misguided need to criticize the act and hastily jump to judgmental labels. They are evidently unaware of the damage done to the beginning shoplifter who, being new to the field, has enough uncertainty and self doubt to contend with without being made to feel more vulnerable by such shortsighted moral posturing.

We all want to be appreciated for our efforts but because of his near-sightedness the shop keeper feels justified in casting the stone, totally losing sight of the fact that the market place he is being so territorial about, the market place that men and women have fought and died to protect all over the world, is called the ‘free market’.

So as a beginner it will be to your advantage to turn the other cheek and develope the patience and tolerance that is so lacking in those who are critical of your work. Besides animosity serves no one, so if one of the shop keepers glances at you suspiciously just give them that nice relaxed vanilla smile that reassures them you’re just another ordinary manipulable consumer and tell them to ‘have a nice day.’ After all, you are.

Now let’s focus on the bright side. It helps to keep in mind the positive benefits of one’s working conditions. At first, as in any new endeavor you can expect to feel somewhat nervous so start your on-the-job training with small, modest items like the new superpack ten flavor lifesavers or the popular favorite, Gummy Bears. A good practice here is to break the pack open immediately and let them lie free in your pocket or purse. That act is assertive and says ‘ownership’ loudly. You will immediately begin to feel your confidence inch up. As you graduate over time to larger ticket items like apparel or the jealously guarded electronic products of technology you will feel your self esteem grow in leaps and bounds. You will be surprised what a great self help tool shoplifting becomes as its mental health side benefits become apparent- freeing the inner child, increasing your sense of entitlement, and resisting that socially implanted prosecuting attorney whose life blood is shame.

Creative visualization is especially useful here. Imagine it is the first day of spring. All the fruits of the earth are a free bounty. There is no price tag on the quiet majesty of the Pine tree or the feminine grace of the Willow. The hillside and field offer up the smiling Azaleas, delicate lilacs and the Wild Roses’ gratuitous fragrance while free Wildflowers dance amid the bright Dandelions, glowing like a shower of dazzling suns. Now take a deep free breath and let it fill your lungs and mind like a cream filled affirmation.

Eventually other positive benefits will begin to surface. The dress is informal and the hours are totally at your discretion. And how many people have such a varied work environment? There is a new one in practically every neighborhood, not to mention the job security that comes with never being laid off or having to put up with abusive power relationships such as with a boss or the I.R.S.

Of course one of the major benefits of shoplifting is financial. In these difficult economic times when you’re trying to stretch that dollar as far as you can shoplifting provides some welcome elasticity. Whether you’re buying a used, older car, cutting down on expensive restaurants, foregoing exotic vacations, or going to matinee movies there is no reason to exclude shopping from your economizing efforts, especially since it accounts for one of the larger portions of your budget, and what better way to economize than by not paying for one of those many items that are overpriced for profit rather than real consumer need. It is time to send a clear signal that this can no longer be tolerated.

(After all merchandising should be priced on a kind of sliding scale, as anyone who has been short of money could tell you. Such a reasonable arrangement would help to ease the burden of those caught in the cruel cycle of welfare dependency that the fortunate are always complaining about.)

Gradually you will begin to develop an increasing awareness of the spiritual facets in your new practice as you help to tear down those false divisions between people, the ‘haves’ and the ‘have nots’. It helps to remember that you’re helping to stem the tide of the mean love of money whose thick heels are goose stepping their march through life on earth. Also when one is engaged in a religious practice it is sometimes very helpful to consecrate the act by dedicating it to something special like the former Soviet Union not because of what it was, but because of what it was supposed to be, which we are not-one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.