A CNN News Bulletin Update

In a shocking announcement today at the World Science Conference in Copenhagen scientists from the world’s twelve leading research institutes released a joint statement revealing the findings of a study drawn from over three million years of data which concludes that ‘Reality’ contains a lethal element that will eventually prove fatal to everyone. They are adding it to the periodic table under the name ‘Ignoranium.’

The findings were presented to a startled audience of government officials and news correspondents.

Scientists have long been puzzled as to why the standards for ‘Reality’ are so low. why, Homo- -Sapien’s can be so technologically advanced and yet, by any standard of civilization, remain so far behind for example, the Bonobo monkey’s of east Africa who have managed to effortlessly substitute sexual play activity and socialization for competition, conflict, and war, or how a leading world power can pass its country back and forth from one family dynasty to another, from the Roosevelt’s to the Kennedy’s to the Bush’s, and convince its citizens it’s a democracy, not to mention how it can change its mind every four years about what direction it wants to go, or even the largest and most challenging mystery of how the human mind, which is capable of producing an Einstein or a Mozart, can be rendered inert and virtually destroyed by putting any kind of uniform on it. As one scientist was quoted as saying, “as clearly remarkable as it is, ‘Reality’ doesn’t seem to have been really thought through in advance.”

Now, with the discovery of ‘Ignoranium’ scientists are hopeful of finding answers. They say the new element has already been linked to connections between aging, diminished immune activity, herd instincts in voting patterns and the blissful ignorance that cows and the nightly T.V. news anchors exhibit. The Center For Disease Control in Atlanta Georgia has confirmed their findings and requests that everyone limit their exposure as much as possible as the search for a vaccine has so far proved fruitless.

Dr Bruce Morrisey, the Director of the CDC went on to say, in a tone of slightly self-conscious embarrassment, that the only methods of treatment that have proved any effectiveness in reducing the severity of the symptoms for this syndrome have been ‘marijuana,’ ‘laughter,’ ‘sex.’ and occasionally ‘love’ although he went on to say that the latter has proven ultimately unreliable due to its idiopathic or mysterious origins and unpredictable patterns of development or prognosis adding that a ‘now you see it, now you don’t’ antidote is not advisable as a therapeutic modality.

Dr. Morrisey said the CDC is referring to this new illness as C.A.R.D.S. for Chronic and Acute Reality Disease Syndrome and they are issuing a warning that everyone try to limit their exposure to the chief carriers of this disease, which seems to spread most rapidly among political parties, formal religions, author’s of ‘optimistic’ self help books, motivational speakers, lawyers, judges and policeman, some members of the Mental Health profession to include cognitive- behavioral therapists, Jungian Depth psychologists, and psychiatrists who believe in ‘free will’ and grown-ups who believe they have completely left high school. The CDC advises that contact with any of these groups should be kept to a minimum.

Among the chief symptoms, Dr. Morrisey said, are prolonged periods of seriousness, usually manifesting with a heightened belief that one is totally responsible for ones actions and extending that ‘responsibility’ to include even the consequences of one’s actions in advanced cases which, as one clinician observed, widens the ‘play-less’ playing field to dangerous dimensions. Also conspicuous is a significant decrease of profanity and other spontaneous idiosyncratic behaviors in favor of safer, sanctioned or authorized ones. Dr. Morrisey cited ‘patriotism’ as an example. He was quoted as saying, “There should always be cause for concern for those who use flag waving as the political equivalent of the ‘hula-hoop.”

He went on to say that there has been some hopeful research recently among groups that tend to show increased resistance to this disease. These groups include vagrants, people who have enjoyed losing their virginity (however those who are trying to lose it for the second time should be avoided as they tend to be acutely serious) free-lance transients and loiterers- clowns, circus midgets, children or adults with a significant degree of arrested development since childhood, most transsexuals and cross dressers -- the Bonobo monkey’s of east Africa (not those in captivity), laughing hyenas, possums, porcupines, flying squirrels, raccoons and ‘porn’ stars. Also some recent studies from New Zealand and the Antarctic may add closet heterosexuals, borderline personalities, certain forms of dissociative reactions and penguins to the list.
Dr. Morrisey said the CDC may have also stumbled onto a newsub-set group of host carriers, that is people who themselves are symptom free but pass it on to others who are vulnerable. Some who have been identified so far include conservative republicans and Libertarians, democrats who go under the designation ‘new’ democrat ( these are highly contagious spreaders ), fundamentalists of any kind, news anchors, TV and radio talk show hosts, H & R Block employees, anti-sex feminists and the majority of Pharmaceutical and Insurance CEOs.

Also included were warnings to avoid groups or activities that are noticeably lacking in humorous irreverence or carefree levity such as drug treatment centers, stop-smoking support groups, Jesus rallies, and somewhat sadly- the music of Bach and Bach fan club meetings. They further advised that ‘crop circles’ and crop circle researchers should be considered highly suspect until there has been some evidence of either cartoons or dirty jokes in actual crop circles.

Dr. Morrisey added that further recent studies have indicated additional character traits to be watched for among carriers of C.A.R.D.S. citing the fact that they seem to have a very limited ability to experience authentic sympathy or concern for others, tend to be humorless, and are also, for an as yet unidentified reason, unable to scratch their own itches.

The Director of Homeland Security has asked everyone to be on the alert for anyone in public or social settings who asks someone else to laugh for them or scratch an itch for them. However critics of this approach point out that it’s very difficult to catch someone in the act of scratching another’s itch and equally difficult to distinguish it as something other than an ordinary friendly or intimate gesture, and determining whether someone is laughing for themselves or someone else takes a highly trained professional eye.

We’d like to close our nightly report with an upbeat item. Lisa Simon of Sarasota, Florida is being awarded the American Medal of Freedom tomorrow in a special ceremony at the White House. Lisa, a catholic and mother of seven was left to raise her family by herself when her husband ran away because he couldn’t stand the financial and emotional pressures. She said it was a lack of faith not finances and she got a job as a swimming instructor till she suffered a stroke at age 30 but she wasn’t about to let that stop her, “I’m not a whiner,” she said. She started her own business teaching victims of strokes how to relearn driving a car and masturbating. She lost that job when she lost both legs in an automobile accident but she immediately started another business making roller carts for leg-less people using special hand-made wooden oars she designed herself. When asked why she didn’t have them motorized she said, “I’m from Idaho, we don’t do things the easy way there.” When General Motors came out with cheaper motorized versions she went bankrupt and moved into a shelter with her seven children. She said, “the past is past, I’m moving on.”

She lost three of her children to suicide. “God is their anti-depressant now,” she said and moved on. This indomitable spirit supported herself on the rodeo circuit as the first leg-less woman to ride the bulls. She began drawing big crowds to flag waving applause then she lost her right arm above the elbow when a bull got lose and ran into the bull she was riding but she continued riding with just her left arm to even greater applause, larger crowds, and more flags.

She finally consented to putting a motor on her roller but misfortune continued to dog her when the motor got stuck in high gear and when she tried to stop it with her one arm she fell under it losing her remaining arm. When she was told she could get welfare this resilient mother of four replied proudly and loudly “I’m not a democrat, I don’t take other peoples money. I’m only 38 and I’m still an attractive woman and God gave me a good body and for a woman that’s still a negotiable possession, ask any married man. I’ll work on my back.” Undaunted she started the first escort and dating service employing disabled, sexually challenged women which she documented in her best selling book, ‘I had an advantage, I’m from Idaho.’ The rest is history, she went from there to “Oprah’ and then on to become the first armless leg-less Playboy Bunny centerfold and tomorrow afternoon the American Medal of Freedom will be handed to her by the President who praised her for exemplifying the self reliance of the American spirit

Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow